random daily thoughts. with some "i just beat cancer" stuff thrown in.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

*Allyson lets out giant sigh of contemplation*

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, five months and five days ago... there was so much UNKNOWN in front of me. The path to wellness seemed so long, so horrible, and so impossible to trek. But as I've travelled this path, I've become stronger every day. Even as my body became more and more weak, my resolve to kick some cancer butt grew stronger. I hate this disease and how it makes me feel. But I have learned that nothing is impossible.

When I knew that my hair would fall out, I looked into the future at my wedding, and the prospect of being a bald bride made me want to cry. I couldn't stand the thought that my wedding was not going to be the picture that I had in my head. But as the day draws near, I am SO PROUD to show my fuzzy little head. I am SO PROUD to be marrying John. I can't think of anything better than being his wife. We have gone through so many trials together that I think we deserve to have a party to top all parties. And now when I think about our wedding, it's not only a wonderful day because we're getting married, but it's a symbol of everything we've accomplished together.

"Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-Alice in Wonderland.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Eleven radiation treatments down, six to go.

My throat hurts. Alot. I can't eat solid food. I have discovered the joy of slim fast shakes. Those suckers are goooood. And soup. Soup, soup, and more soup. I will be very very glad when I can eat chipotle again.

:( I miss mexican food.

But, guess what I did this weekend?
1. Bought a stability ball and started working out again, and MAN are my muscles glad to be doing something again!

2. Went for two long walks!

3. Planted some more flowers in my garden!

4. Cleaned the house while John was working on his car!

5. Cleaned the fish tank AND sliced my left index finger open WITH SCISSORS while cutting some tubing for the fish tank. Very stupid. Quite possibly the most stupid thing I did all weekend!

6. Went grocery shopping!

7. Bought my "I Kicked Cancer's ASS" running shoes. And I put them on and walked very fast.

I am feeling very spunky, even if I am a little tired and in pain. I WILL NOT BE STOPPED! :)

Friday, June 24, 2005

Things I have learned from cancer:

I learned how to draw on eyebrows with the best of them. Those eyebrows really are handy things to have.

I can make four eyelashes look like thirty seven, all with Great Lash mascara. :)

I will never complain about a bad hair day again. Try having a no hair day.

I don't look the other way anymore when I see someone who's bald with no eyebrows. I make eye contact, and smile.

I never appreciated the wondrous gift of waking up in the morning and feeling good and full of energy. You'd better believe I won't make that mistake again.

My health is now of utmost importance to me, and I have learned how what I put into my body directly impacts how my body acts.

I know I'm not invincible. I know that someday, just like everyone else, I will die. But that day is not today!

I believe that God has something really special waiting in the wings for me. I don't know what it is yet, but I believe I was able to beat cancer because I haven't fulfilled my purpose yet.

I am a work in progress, and will always be.

It really IS important to get enough fiber in your diet!

There is nothing so frustrating as your body betraying you on a daily basis, not doing what it is told, and rebelling at every opportunity.

I have learned that I am not my body or my hair. I am me even when I am bald and skinny and not feeling well. Inside all of this, I am still me.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Oh. My. Gosh.

Radiation makes me SO tired. Granted, it's nothing compared to chemo. But I'm actually a bit surprised. When my doc told me I might feel a bit fatigued due to rads, I thought "Aw... how bad can it be?" But I slept for twelve hours last night. No skin changes to speak of yet, and no sore throat.

And no hair either. I know I'm being impatient, but I miss my hair. All I want is a full head of hair. That's all. Really. :) And good health. Forever and ever.

Tonight John and I are meeting my parents and grandma at Old Santa Fe to have some mexican food. I don't know what has happened, but ever since I stopped chemo, I have had an insatiable urge to eat mexican food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

AND, whereas most things with and on my body have gone wrong and betrayed me over the past six months, my skin and nails look incredible. What the heck? Sure, I'm balding and I have poop problems and I was constantly nauseous and had a headache for six months and couldn't get out of bed and felt fatigued and had excruciating bone pain, but my skin looks darn good. :) There's just no rhyme or reason to this, is there?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I had the second of seventeen radiation treatments today. Radiation is so strange. I lay on a table with my boobs hanging out while a giant machine basically xrays me, then I get up, go home, and do it all over again the next day.

Don't mess with me, I'm radioactive and I'll kick yer arse.

I'm back to working full time and it feels so good to be back. I may have to leave a bit early some days if I'm feeling extra tired, but I don't anticipate rads being too bad. I'm excited about doing my job better than I did it before.

I'm excited about so much. I feel so good now that I'm done with chemo. I will probably have side effects for years to come, but I'm so glad I'm alive and I'm so excited to DO and to BE and to EXPERIENCE.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

i am so tired of wearing hats. i've been wearing hats for a week now because i don't want to shave off what is left of my pathetic head of hair and i have about forty seven bald spots on top.

i think this week it will be my mission to convince everyone i'm the hottest balding woman on the planet. and who's going to argue with a balding woman, right? :)

Sunday, June 05, 2005

I had my port removed on Friday by Doctor Dreamboat.

When he started to take it out I wasn't all the way numb yet and I felt a little cutting, which was the grossest feeling ever. So he gave me a couple more shots and out the port came. The sensation was definitely yucky. But I am SO GLAD to have it out now! It's still pretty sore and the scar will be funny looking, but I am okay with that. Scars are sexy.

I now have quite a collection of really great scars. One long one above my collar bone from my biopsy. Two from my port... one where they went in laparoscopically and one where it came out. A really great scar on my left hand from a curling iron incident when I was little. A scar on my stomach from having a mole biopsied. One below my belly button from leaning against the oven door while cooking, and one on my right knee from hitting it on a wall.

I remember how each scar got there and where I was when it happened. I guess that's the point of a scar really... to remind you that the past was real.