random daily thoughts. with some "i just beat cancer" stuff thrown in.

Friday, April 22, 2005

i am so very blessed.

i am so lucky to have john in my life. he is without a doubt, my haven from the storm. when life gets too heavy to bear he is always there. when i have days like today where i'm feeling sick and tired and frustrated he makes me laugh and reminds me that the end is in sight.

my family is a rock. my parents are examples of the beauty that can happen when you have two people that truly love eachother. every time i check the mail, there's another encouraging card from my mom and dad. and i know their prayers have been invaluable in helping me get better.

i will never know how many people have prayed me through this. i feel so lucky that i have been lifted up like that and i really feel closer to God because of it.

there have been many days when i laid in bed and just cried, just asked God to walk with me. many days i didn't ask for this journey to be made easier, didn't ask for God to take my pain away, i just asked him to walk with me and help me. and i believe that i have never been alone.

i believe that attitude plays more of a role in recovery than i originally thought. i believe that you have to fight, fight, fight with every fiber of your being.

i really couldn't be luckier. i couldn't be more blessed. i have everything i've ever dreamed of and more. when i thought about how i wanted my life to turn out as i grew up, i never could have imagined so many blessings for one girl.

i believe that you have to take measure of everything you're given so that you don't take it for granted. what's really beautiful to me is that i don't take anything for granted anymore.

everyone sends me sweet cards and says prayers for me, and i want to send john a card sometimes that says "thanks for putting up with the crabby cancer patient!" it can't be easy waiting on me hand and foot all the time and i don't know how he stays so darn patient. HOW THE HECK did i get so lucky?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Cancer free, cancer free, cancer free, cancer free! WOOOOOOOO!!

My scan came back cancer free! Do a little dance!

Okay, I'd better get back to work now.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I got quite a bit done today. It feels so good to have actually accomplished something as opposed to laying in bed. Ugh. The snow began to melt around noon and I was able to get out and buy some groceries this evening. And now I'm EXHAUSTED. I forget how tired I get just doing simple things.

It's discouraging sometimes. I get so tired of feeling so old. And yet I am so very hopeful that I will get better. I had my PET scan on Friday, and should get the results when I go for chemo #5 on Wednesday. Please, God, let it be clean. Please please please. That would really give my morale a much needed boost.

I bought some eyeshadow today at the store. I spent a little bit of money on myself, which I haven't done in a while and it felt good. :)

When I am done kicking cancer's ass, when I have sufficiently beat it down and made it sorry it messed with me, I'm going to treat myself to some new running shoes. And I'm going to train, slowly but surely. And I'm going to get my energy back. That is my post chemo goal. I know it will take a while, but I am fighting, hopping mad at cancer. And I think my new running shoes will help me remember how I kicked cancer's ugly gray ass.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

And the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

More and more I see how seemingly inconsequential decisions I've made have landed me where I am today, and I couldn't be more greatful. Greatful for God's hand in my life, greatful for common sense and knowing when to use it, and greatful for still being alive.

I'm trying to look closer. Closer at life and the beauty of it all. I'm trying to be more patient.

I learn patience everyday from John. He is my rock, and he is neverendingly good to me. I can't imagine what I did to get so lucky.

Chemo number four sure was a doozy. I still feel awful. But each day as I get a little more strength, I try to remember that this too, shall pass. :) It is so hard though, during those dark days, to remember that there WAS a time when I actually felt good. Sometimes I can't remember what "good" feels like at all. But I have a lot of hope, and I know it will come back someday.