random daily thoughts. with some "i just beat cancer" stuff thrown in.

Monday, March 28, 2005

My head hurts. I'm tired. My joints are giving me pain when I walk or sit for a long time. My knees hurt. My hips hurt. I'm grumpy and I don't feel like talking to anyone. Blechedy bleh bleh bleh.

Okay. I'm done. Just had to get that out. Thank you.

Chemo #4 looms in the very near future. Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, because I know that each chemo is one more I can cross of the list. I hate the prospect of feeling crappy, though. And it only gets more intense every time... so I have that to look forward to. But I will continue to kick cancer's ass, so help me God.

Easter was lovely. We spent time with John's family and with mine and the weather was beautiful. It was just a great day. I love spring and I'm so excited for consistently nice weather.

I still have my hair. I wish that if it is going to fall out, it would just go. I hate wondering if it's going to hang on or not. We'll see. The anticipation is killing me. :)

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Yesterday I could feel my neulasta kicking in... my whole body started to ache around lunchtime and I felt horrible by the time I got home.

I'm looking forward to the day when I feel great all day long and don't have to stop to take a nap or catch my breath or take drugs. And I know it will happen, eventually.

Today I feel okay... pretty good actually, just a bit tired. My last chemo hit me really hard. I felt worse than I had from the previous treatments, and it seemed like it lasted longer. This last time was frustrating for me. It seems when I'm in the midst of treatment that I will never feel better. For about four days it feels like that. And then, slowly, I do start to feel better. But it's pretty awful for those few days.

I can't believe how before you are hit with a serious illness, you take for granted things like running or taking a nice brisk walk or getting a good workout at the gym. I'd give anything to feel that way right now. The things that consume your thoughts change so much once something like cancer comes into your life. I don't worry about work anymore, or what I need to get done around the house, or even bills. Because all those things will get done and fall into place as they should. All I care about these days is whether or not I feel good enough to get out of bed in the morning. And if I have the energy to make myself breakfast or get up the stairs or sit up for a while.

I notice how lovely everything is now. I notice the smell of the fresh rain on the grass that is just starting to grow in my front yard. I notice the tiny green buds that are starting to pop up in the garden, because it's just now warm enough. I notice how nice spring feels after winter starts to fade. I really appreciate the days I feel good enough to get in my car and drive to work. I'm thankful when I can walk across the parking lot without taking a break.

I marvel at how the world doesn't stop when you get cancer. The only world that stops is mine. People go on, and yes, they're concerned and they pray for you and they think about you. But they go on with their everyday lives most of the time. They worry about silly things, they fight over silly things. And they don't realize that I'm sitting there, thinking "That's so NOT IMPORTANT!!" Because it's important to them.

And most people will never realize how truly precious life is because they're never desperate enough to stop taking it for granted.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


two chemos down. ten to go. i went in for my second chemo, which they couldn't give me because my white blood cell count was too low. so i got neupogen shots for five days straight.

NEUPOGEN IS THE DEVIL. i don't think i have ever experienced such long lasting pain in my entire life. finally i took some percocet, which makes me want to throw up. sure, the pain is gone, but i felt vo-mi-tro-cious.

anyway. second chemo was done on wednesday, and i got a neulasta shot on friday which will hopefully keep my white counts up so i don't have to deal with that nasty neupogen anymore.

my mom, dad, and grandma came over this afternoon and brought me wendy's AND dairy queen! three cheers for moms, dads, and grandmas!! three cheers! i am so stuffed i do not think i ever need to eat again.

today i'm achy and yucky and grouchy. and i miss john. he's skiing with his family. i hope he's having fun, but secretly i hope he misses me too much and has to come home early :)

when i feel better my mom and i are going to eat some chipotle. i love chipotle. (right now, as i am thinking about chipotle, a little animated heart just popped up above my brain. you should see it.) so, have that to look forward to. i find it nice to have nice things to look forward to. makes these days a little less horrible.

you know in princess bride where billy crystal is talking about "mostly dead but slightly alive"? i feel mostly crappy but slightly good. :)