random daily thoughts. with some "i just beat cancer" stuff thrown in.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ever have a day where you have a mountain of seemingly insurmountable work on your desk, and there's a real need to get going on it, because you're going to be in a training class all day Wednesday, but you've found reason all day long to not get going on it, and look at wedding photos instead?

Yeah, well, I am. Having that day. Right now. And I don't want to work.

I actually have accomplished quite alot today, just not quite enough. But because I am post cancer and I refuse to let work take over my life again, at 4 pm, I'm going to get up and leave. And anything that remains undone will be undone until tomorrow.

I am going to go back to the gym starting tomorrow. I feel like I'm ready. I'm three weeks out of treatment on Wednesday. Nine weeks out of chemo. NINE WEEKS! It seems like yesterday that I was diagnosed, and yet those six months went on forever.

I am starting to feel excited about prospects again. Hopefully this will help curb my post cancer treatment funk, because it sure sucks.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I am home, and very married indeed! I am now Mrs!

Hawaii was beautiful. We had an amazing house that overlooked a reef where fish and crabs would swim about in little tidepools. The weather was perfect, and so was the wedding. We all wore our yellow LiveStrong bracelets and we all cried.

I'm struggling a bit these days. I have so much in my life to be happy about and to be thankful for, but cancer still enters my mind daily and makes me a bit sad. It's hard to explain. I just don't feel like me, and that's frustrating. I'm trying, though, and if this persists I plan to speak with my oncologist about it. He mentioned previously that it's not uncommon to go through some depression during/post treatment. Why, I can't figure out. You would think I'd just be overjoyed to be healthy again. I am, I just can't put my finger on what's going on inside my brain sometimes.

Treatment is a funny thing. I firmly believe it changes you. And I am trying to figure out how to let it change me for the better. Seems as if I had a routine for weeks and weeks... a very predictable routine. That routine was fighting cancer. And now that routine has come to an abrupt halt, and I'm presented with the opportunity to LIVE MY LIFE, and I am almost scared at that prospect. It's like I want cancer to have meant something in my life and I want to do something great and I just don't want to fail.

But I also suppose that there is no failure. I think that any outcome is okay. Because no matter what happens in my future, I will have still killed the beast.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Last night we could see the local fireworks show from our backyard. It was awesome. The grand finale was grand indeed. :) It was so windy and chilly. I would have stayed outside much longer had the weather been warmer. But it was a nice evening.

My throat hurts something fierce today, and I'm starting to sound a bit hoarse. I hope it doesn't last long. It was getting better last week, and now it's getting worse. I've been having chest pains for a couple days now. I don't know if it's radiation related or stress related. At any rate, I'm trying to chill out. Soon I will be revelling in balmy Hawaiian weather and not caring about much else.

Tomorrow is my LAST RADIATION TREATMENT. Everybody dance! This marks the end of my treatment for Hodgkin's, a land to which I hope I will never return. I will have appointments and scans from now on, but *hopefully* no more chemo, no more radiation, and no more feeling ultimately crummy. I am so excited I could cry.

My fuzzy little head gets fuzzier every day. My hair actually IS growing back!