random daily thoughts. with some "i just beat cancer" stuff thrown in.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I had my last chemo on Wednesday. Next Thursday I have a second appointment with my radiation oncologist to set me up for rads, and Friday I get my port out.

Let me preface this by saying my port has been wonderful, and most likely saved my veins. But I am FREAKIN READY to get this thing out of my chest. It drives me crazy. I constantly have weird pains from it and I can't wear the clothes that I want. That must be a lame girly thing. I have been having alot of lame girly moments lately. Feeling all whiny about my hair and my eyebrows and how I look. Ugh. It makes me feel so immature to think like that. But then I remember that all my feelings are normal, I just have to remember to keep the whiny ones in check. :)

I am getting antsy to be all done with treatment. I'm anxious to find out what the rads are going to do to me... side effects-wise. I know it won't be as bad as chemo, but I'm hoping I can skate through. I figure I deserve a little easi-ness after all I've had to put up with the past six months. :)

Wednesday my onc told me that I'm starting to get anemic, which is where your body isn't producing enough red blood cells. So I got a shot of Aranesp, which was pretty darn painful. I think the colder the shot is, the more it hurts, and DANG did that one hurt. Hopefully no more of those for me.

My white counts must be pretty low today too, because I feel achy like I have the flu and it keeps getting worse. I've already had two vicodin today and it's not going away. Bleh.

BUT enough whining. I am cancer free, I am done with chemo, I am nearly done with treatment, and I am going to Hawaii to tie the knot in July. Life is getting better. Blue skies and green lights hopefully from here on out.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

My PFT came back fine. Good news, that means I don't have Bleo toxicity... And hopefully that means that my lungs will slowly start getting better and better as soon as I'm through with chemo.

Speaking of which... ONE MORE CHEMO to go!! WOOOOOO HOOOOO!! I couldn't be more excited! You don't know how much chemo sucks until you feel it in your own body and I am so ready to be done.

I'll do 17 radiation treatments most likely and will be feeling much better by the time we go to Hawaii. Good news all around. Things could be much worse.

I hate how pathetic my hair is looking lately, but then I have to count my blessings... I'm alive and I will be okay. I'm so encouraged and so hopeful.

I have been praying lately that God will show me what he wants me to do now that I've beat cancer. I feel like there's something special out there for me to do and I just don't know what it is yet. I feel like maybe I can help people in some way, and that would be really rewarding for me. So we'll see what happens.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

One of the posters on the hodgkin's webforum posted this, and I thought it was great:

"How to beat cancer"

Be prepared for a marathon. It will be a long fight so pace yourself. Be prepared to go it alone if necessary, but get ready to go the distance.

Don't expect others to do as you do and do not hold others up to your standards. Not everyone can go the distance with you. People will come and go as best they can. Accept what help they can give you when they can.

Conduct yourself in your everyday life in a manner that will give you no reason or excuses for your behaviour when you look back on this time. Make the present so that you have no regrets. Don't drink or do drugs that are not needed. Be a leader so that others may follow.

Have heros. Be inspired by your heros, and be inspiration to others around you. You may be their hero.

Fight. Fight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Fight when you wake up, fight until you go to bed, dream about fighting in your sleep. Want to win so bad that you can taste it in your food and in your drinks.

Willpower. Have plenty of it. Tell yourself you will get better every day and believe it so that you make yourself better through sheer willpower. Aspire to be great and expect nothing less than total victory. Refuse to lose or even entertain defeat. You will stumble but a champion always rises to keep going. Be that champion.

Stay focused. Do not fight battles that do not need fighting and take you away from this fight.

Hate it. Hate cancer like nothing you have ever hated before. Save all your hate for it and it alone. Love everyone and everything else. Life is good so don't let it go by.

Have no mercy, no pity, no compassion, until every last cell of it is dead. Rejoice in every victory no matter how small.

When in doubt, fight it out. You won't win if you stop fighting. It's OK to be afraid but don't stop fighting and do whatever it takes to win. Have faith and it's OK to cry.

Most of all, always walk proud. Even if you are in a wheelchair, a bed, or can't walk at all. Maintain that air of strength on the inside, because you know its better to die like a lion than live like a lamb.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Oh, yeah. Yesterday I had some Pulmonary Function Tests (PFTs) to determine whether the Bleomycin is doing damage to my lungs. One of the side effects of my chemo that is the worst for me is this constant feeling like I just smoked a pack of cigarettes. My lungs feel awful, and I get winded easily. I HATE THAT. One of my most favorite things is running and working out, and this lung-thing is not acceptable to me.

NOT ACCEPTABLE. That's it. So, we'll see what the tests reveal. Although the tech that performed the tests said they look good to him, which means maybe I'm just a hypochondriac? Ha ha. :)

I feel so good this week. It seems every chemo hits me harder and is worse, side effects-wise, but then I feel so good ( well, as good as one can feel going through this crap) the second week. Strange. I think it's mental... I think I'm so anxious to be done and start recovering that I'm willing myself healthy. Let's hope so.

When I recover, I am going to take SUCH GOOD CARE of my body... Your body is all you have, and when you don't have your health, you are in sorry sorry shape. Trust me on this one.


I've decided to do radiation instead of two more months of chemo. The thought of two more months of chemo makes me want to vomit. This means that I have two treatments left, then I'll do about a month of radiation. I'm very very tired and very very excited all at the same time. I'm just itching to be done. I can't wait to start feeling GOOD.

This evening we went out for my dad's birthday and had some seafood. When dinner was over I felt like going for a drive, so I did. I just drove all over town, taking side streets and back roads. I stopped for some coffee at Starbucks, then went window shopping at the mall. I also looked at flowers at the home improvement store.

I love spring. I'm glad spring came when it did. It would be harder to feel so fatigued and be going through this in the dead of winter. I'm glad the weather is getting nicer.