january 12- i was driving home from work. i'd had an itch on my neck all day that was driving me crazy. as i reached up to scratch it yet again, i felt a large lump just above my collar bone on the left side. i thought..."hmm. that's funny." i moved my hand to the other side of my neck and there wasn't one there. "hmm... not quite so funny." i cried and got quite panicky as i drove home. i stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom looking at myself. i couldn't *see* the lump. but i could feel it. there was definitely a lump there. i cried at myself in the mirror.

i got on the internet. the internet will assure you that whether you have a lump in your neck or a papercut, you have cancer. probably not the greatest idea.

john was out for the evening, and i called him... his phone was off and he didn't pick up. when he got home later that night, i was already in bed, but not sleeping. i started crying when he walked in the room.

"i have a lump in my neck..." he was perfect. he got into bed and looked at it, hugged me and kissed me, told me it was probably nothing....but i should get it checked out just to be sure.

january 17- so i did. i went to my new pcp. she was very nice, in her 30s, and i liked her alot. when she felt the lump, she got a look of concern on her face and said..."well! there certainly is a lump there!" the questions she was asking me were questions related to hodgkin's disease. see, i'd been doing waaaaay too much internet research and had learned that this lump could be a sign of hodgkin's...especially at my age.

she sent me for more tests. and i started to get the feeling that this was something very serious. i was past panicking. i just knew that i was dealing with something heavy at this point.

the waiting. the waiting for diagnosis has got to be the worst. i felt that the more i knew, the better handle i could have on this thing. the more informed and educated i was, the better i felt. no one wanted to speculate...no one wanted to think worst case scenario. but i did. it made me feel better. because if i know what the worst case scenario is, i can brace myself for it and prepare myself for it and plan what i'm going to do.

january 21- i was sent to see a specialist, a vascular surgeon. dr. dreamboat, as john likes to call him. he was straightforward with me, which i liked. he asked me all the same questions that i'd been answering for a week, and said... "i don't want you to freak out...you will when you hear what i'm about to say, but there is a possibility we could be looking at hodgkin's disease... " he paused and then said "but it's very treatable, and if that's what it is, we'll get you to the right people."

january 24- i had surgery to remove the mass in my neck.

january 25- the diagnosis. nodular sclerosing hodgkin's disease.

and since then, it's been a whirlwind of appointments and blood tests and staging and poking and prodding and the installation of this catheter which is currently driving me up the wall.

today for the first time i realized the gravity of all of this. there are people my same age who do not survive cancer. there are people who have just as much chutzpah as i do who don't make it. no one is guaranteed anything. no one makes it out of life alive anyway, so you may as well kick some ass while you're here.

but i can make you one guarantee. not only am i going to kick cancer's ass so hard that it's sorry it ever messed with me, but i am going to appreciate every single moment i have. that's really what this is all about. appreciating every single moment you have. whether you're making french fries or winning nobel prizes. whether you're raising babies or climbing the corporate ladder, you have to realize what is important. i want to learn this lesson well.

i have already learned so much in the past few weeks, and gained so much perspective that i never would have dreamed possible.

i still can't believe i have cancer, but i'm here to hand out lollipops and ass whoopins. and the lollipops just ran out.